I had planned a very different post for today but I felt it was important to do a bit of a raw Motherhood post. I have been struggling with this for a couple of weeks now and I want to share just in case you have felt the same.
After a lot of soul searching, some me-time and a long chat with my Mum (she is a gem!) I am feeling a lot more at peace with everything. Sharing my feelings honestly was the reason I started my blog in the first place and I have found that by doing so, I have built some really lovely relationships with other Mama’s. It has been my favourite thing to come out of this blog!
Lately, I have been struggling with not feeling good enough. In all areas of my life including motherhood. Having really thought about the reasons why, the main conclusion I have come to is that I feel like everything is about to change (or is already changing!).
Lots of my friends or acquaintances who had babies around the same time as me are preparing to go back/have gone back to work. Freddie is changing in front of my eyes from a little baby to an almost toddler. I handed in my notice at my old job and my maternity leave is almost over. I feel like I am juggling so many plates and this past week it has felt like they have all come crashing down.
I have felt that I am not good enough as a Mama because Freddie has just started a leap and is unsettled. He has thrown his food on the floor, developed a high pitched shriek and very loudly tells me when he does not agree with what I am doing. I have wondered if it is me, if I am just not good enough at understanding what he needs or wants. I have felt at times that I just don’t have a clue what I am doing again. Motherhood has been rough!
Personally, I have felt inadequate because I am not going back to my previous job but more so because I do not have a plan of what to do next. I had Freddie between changing careers so I did not have a clear idea of what direction I needed to go in. I have felt pressure to put him in childcare, financial pressure because of the cost of childcare and felt despondent at the total lack of flexible working options.
I have doubted whether I am a good enough wife. That the house should be cleaner, frustration that no matter how often I tidy it never quite looks ‘perfect’. That I am not attentive enough or that my husband will find me boring because I do the same things most days.
I know that these problems aren’t unique. I am pretty sure that other Mama’s have felt this way too and if you have, you know that the weight of all of this can be crushing. I am pleased to say that I am now feeling much more optimistic. Ultimately, nothing has changed except my mindset.
I know, deep down, that my husband loves hearing about the minutiae of Freddie and I’s day. Anything to do with his baby boy is fascinating to him. I am only twenty-six, I don’t think I need to have my new career completely planned out. I think it might be okay to pick something that works ‘for now’ and then work on the master plan as I go. I know I’m a bloody good Mum. I know that Freddie has to go through these stormy periods in order to learn new skills and to grow. And although watching him growing is so bittersweet, it shows how well he is looked after, that he feels safe to express himself and know that we will always be there. I adored my tiny baby, but I am in love with my almost toddler.
The pressures and negative thoughts I have been experiencing are mainly coming from me, to me. I deserve much better than to speak to myself like I have been. From now on, rather than thinking of all of these changes as one scary, overwhelming challenge I am going to try to think of it as a fresh new chapter. Where the pages are blank ready for new adventures and deep down, I think I might be too.
Thanks for reading and see you on Wednesday,